Correction...

You know the last post that I posted last Monday? Well, forget you ever read it!

As quickly as it came, it went. I posted Monday night and by Tuesday morning I was back to the same grouchy, depressed, anxious, annoying person I had been just days before.

Blood work on Saturday and probably a visit to the dr's sometime...can't go the 30th, Erin has an appointment, can't go the 2nd I have a work thing all day...(sorry, I was just thinking (typing) out loud!)

What am I going to do with myself?!

Living life with a broken thyroid

** I apologize ahead of time for my many typos, misspelled words and run on sentences!


I will never be fixed.

Sure, I will take a pill once a day for the rest of my life but that doesn't mean that I am "cured" of this disease.

Hypothyroidism.

It's annoying beyond words and the past few months have been hell for me. I have been working with my doctor on trying to regulate my medication. The dose has been lowered time after time but my symptoms of an "normally" under active thyroid turned over active were lingering on and on (and on...)

I really wanted to write about it and share just what exactly was going on and why I hadn't really been "seen" for a while, but I couldn't do it, literally couldn't! My memory had escaped me. I couldn't form a sentence let alone write one down. I would come to the computer every night and read all the familiar posts that friends, family and strangers had written. I had wanted to write so bad at times it was painful that I wasn't able too.

I wasn't able too do a lot of things I enjoy. I wasn't able to come home on a 1/2 day and take Erin to the playground or enjoy the outdoors. I wasn't able to keep my eyes open past 3:30 PM and for many weeks, Erin sat in front of the television on those 2, 1/2 days a week watching Noggin until I dragged my exhausted butt off the couch and scramble to make her dinner. She would bath on Sunday or Monday and not have another bath until Thursday because I just didn't have the energy.

My laundry somehow got washed, but they stayed unfolded in the basket, sometimes until it was full of week old dirty laundry again. I could care less about what I wore to work and am amazed that I never wore the same outfit twice in one week.

I felt like a caged animal. My doctor brought this to my attention. I told her at one visit when I was at my wits end that I felt like all my emotions were on the surface, raw and exposed. I felt like I was one wrong look from someone, anyone, away from going off the edge. She described it like being a caged animal and the person on the outside just dragging a stick back and forth along the cage. Then that person opens the cage!! Can you imagine?!! It's a HORRIBLE feeling. A horrible way to feel all day long for weeks on end and having to work with 4 and 5 year olds all day. Talk about lack of patience!

I was inchs from walking in to my boss' office and telling her that I was not cut out for the job and demand for her to demote me. It felt as if my classroom and the world around me was swallowing me whole and there was nothing I could do about it but just stand there and watch it happen. I was frozen.

Thankfully I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. He's not actually that patient in the midst of it all and really isn't much of a help at all when I am feeling down and low (nice Jen, nice!) But during times like those, the only one who can help me is my mom so there really isn't much he can do that can help. But once the meds have started to do their purpose, Greg is ALWAYS there to just jump back in with me.

And that is where I am at today. I have been on the new dose for about a week and a half. I was miserable and trying to schedule a consultation with a therapist one day and the next I was alert, alive and feeling much better. I know I am not exactly where I should be yet, but it's a welcome start. It's 9:30 PM and I am awake, showered, fed and content. My laundry is washed, folded and hung. Lunch for Erin has been made and her outfit for school tomorrow picked out. She has been bathed and her hair in elastics and out of here face. Greg is out playing basketball and I am not curled up on the couch in the fetal position waiting for him to come home.

I will enjoy this energy while it lasts because like all those other moments of clarity that happened back when I had been feeling well, they are fleeting. At the drop of a hat things could change and I could be back to the way I was before. I'm just going to take this all in and make up for lost time (and posts!)

************************************************************************************
Our visit to Boston and drop off our Pennies for Patients donations:

Erin, Caroline and I



I walked these hallways with Erin everynight while we were in Boston passing other "heart moms" trying to get their unconsolable child to sleep. It felt so good to be able to walk down that same hallway hand in hand with my healthy hero!


Our healthy family


************************************************************************************
St. Patrick's Day

Picture day

random day

************************************************************************************
Easter (my mom made the adorable dress!)


Pa's hat is more fun to wear than a bonnet!



We waved at the Easter bunny at Swansea mall for 3 straight Saturdays but never had our picture taken. Erin did however find these bunny ears on the ground in the parking lot on the way home!




**I hope I will be back soon!

Not Me! Monday...

Oh, how I wish MckMama could realistically say "Not Me" this Monday. Please head over to her blog page and pray for baby Stellan.

I am sick to my stomach worrying about his poor little fighting heart. But I am going to take my cue from Jennifer herself when she says that it is all in God's hands and she has to let Him have this one.

Be well, little Stellan. You're a fighter!
*********************************************************************************

Heard around the Preschool room today...

Miss. Jenny: Hmmm...I'm hungry. I wonder what I'll cook for dinner tonight.
What do you think I should make boys?

4yr. old: I don't know.

5 yr. old: Pizza!

Miss. Jenny: Eh, I don't know. Hmmm...what do I want to make...?

4 yr. old: Miss. Jenny. Why don't you just look at the menu on your fridge?!

** Why didn't I think of that?! Wouldn't a menu posted on my fridge be easier than asking 4 yr. old's what I should make for dinner?!!

Not Me! Monday...Bad Mommy edition II

It's time once again to visit my online confessional. I don't have to dress in my Sunday's best, make sure I have change for the collection plate or dread what my penance will be...though I already said my 10 Hail Mary's. I can just sit here in my bedroom and reflect on this weeks mishaps that didn't happen. Thanks MckMama!

While shopping at my favorite store yesterday (points if you know what store that is!) with 2 of my favorite people, I did not witness 2 careless young parents put their just barely 2 year old in the back of the big red carriage made for household items and not toddlers.

I also did not see this toddler playing a seemingly fun and harmless game of catch while standing unsecured in the back of said carriage with one of the young parents, while the other parent was focusing on which pointless item to invest their dwindling money on.

I furthermore did not then see browsing parent start to pull the carriage, toddler and all, slowly backwards signaling that he was done looking at pointless item and ready to move on to another pointless item.

What I saw next certainly did not happen. I did not see cute,innocent, wide-eyed, precious toddler fall head over heals out of carriage, made for household items and not precious cargo, onto the floor. My eyes did not see an image that will forever be burned into my brain. I did not hear a cry that made my hair stand on ends. I did not rush to this child's side as quickly as I could, scoop her up into my arms and haul @$$ to find some ice that was later not needed. 2 baby teeth are not now chipped until they fall out when she is just shy of 5 years old.

Of course, none of this happened to my dear, sweet, innocent baby girl while we were shopping at our favorite store yesterday...I was too busy trying to be a good mother :o(

I'm soooooo sorry, Erin. I am very lucky that only your teeth were chipped. My carelessness could have resulted in much, much worse. I wish that you had been spared of karma's need to teach me this lesson. I hope you will forgive me...

Not Me! Monday...Bad Mommy edition

Boy do I need to make a few confessions tonight and there is no better forum to do so than MckMama's Not Me! Monday...go and check her out!

Welcome to the "Bad Mommy" edition of Not Me! Monday. No one is sweet and sugary all the time and today was not my day in Candyland!

I did not fly off the handle when my toddler sat at the kitchen table spitting green beans, potatoes, kidney beans and whatever I spent half my afternoon making so lovingly for her for dinner. It wasn't me who then took said toddler up to her room to "go to bed early" (at 5:30) thinking that she could possibly understand my frustration with her age appropriate behavior.

Because she fully understood my motives for sending her to bed without finishing dinner, my toddler calmly fell asleep in her bed and didn't think to even once get out of bed and run around her room or sit with books on the floor.

And because she was sleeping we did not then go back downstairs to clean up the green beans off the floor and finish her 1/2 eaten bread because I forgot to administer her daily dose of Claritin.

It would just be foolish of me to then sit my toddler on the couch to watch a few minutes of television so we could both wind down before her actual bedtime. So that's why I didn't do it. Especially because that would mean that when I told her earlier in the day that she couldn't watch any T.V. today because she didn't lie nicely for her teachers at nap time it was just an idle threat. Nope...wasn't me!

Once bedtime finally arrived my little one was so tuckered out from the time change and a day full of festivities that she instantly fell asleep. I certainly did not once again fly off the handle when my toddler showed more moments of age appropriateness. I am a teaching professional and know that showing my anger in that way does no one any good. I of course didn't holler at my daughter that she needed to listen when someone tells her it's time to sleep while she smiled at me like the Cheshire cat and continued her game of choice "Let's get in and out of bed 100 billion times to make Mommy mad". Gosh, not me!

As I sit her typing my not real confessions, there isn't a vacuum wedged in between the door of my toddlers' bedroom like a guard dog. That would just be cruel seeing that my little girl is so horrified by that vacuum that the teachers at school can't even vacuum the school until we have left for the day.

What a bad, bad mommy!
************************************************************************************

I actually feel horribly guilty that I yelled at Erin tonight. I couldn't have asked for a more fun weekend with her and now it feels like none of that matters because of my actions tonight. I feel worse than she did. She just laughed, talked and sang herself to sleep like nothing had happened! The yelling didn't faze her a bit! That just goes to show me that I handled it all wrong and that I'd better learn from this for tomorrow night! She is a toddler after all!

What happened to "My Marriage Monday?"

I might not post this because all of my readers happen to be family and I wouldn't want them to feel like they are in the middle, but I'm just sitting her wondering where I have gone wrong in my marriage.

Truth be told, I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around lately and I'm not quite sure why. It could have to do with my thryoid trying to adjust to the new medication dose...but how long is that excuse going to work and is it even a valid excuse for me to be acting miserable and not so much fun to be around? Mind over matter, right? It doesn't seem to be working.

I can usually find myself missing Greg while he is at work during the day or part time at night a few nights a week but why is it that when he gets home all that longing turns into annoyance? I look forward to seeing him all day and then when he finally is home I act as though I'm not happy to see him? It's not how I had been feeling inside but for some reason it just happens?

I can't understand it right now? I think I need to pick up a copy of whatever it is that MckMama is reading. It seems to be helping her in her marriage but I'm not sure if submission and trying to achieve holiness rather than happiness in my mariage will work for me...I tend to be a bit controlling at times and I really like it when my marriage makes me happy!

A lot of my frustration comes from being a mom and teacher and having that demand for my constant undivided attention. It can be draining and I imagine that I take it out on Greg because he is able to escape it. He spends the bulk of his time working 2 jobs (not by choice, of course) and only spends quality time with Erin on the weekend and even then, he's not alone with her. He's not a part of our everyday routines. I am used to it being just the 2 of us, Erin and I, and I find it hard to find room to let him in, too.

Oh, how I wish we could have more "date nights". It was totally needed last weekend that we spend Saturday night alone, not having to worry about feeding Erin or putting her to bed. We took care of ourselves and took our time while we were out and about. I miss those days when didn't have a care in the world but I wouldn't chose those days over the days that we have now with Erin. Our lives are so much more complete.

Arrgghhh!! What's wrong with me?!! Why has it been so hard for me to show Greg how much I love and appreciate him?

Not Me! Monday, RISD application and sour cream slatherings!

It's been a while but I feel it's time to join in and confess what I didn't do this past week...You can head over to MckMama's blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I was so busy helping my husband shovel snow that I wasn't able to finish the 3 progress reports that should have been finished already. I certainly wasn't sitting on the couch watching DVR'd shows like of The Girls Next Door or eating my left over Jim Dandy from Friendly's...nope, not me! Like I said, I was helping my husband shovel!

Our weekend was horrible! I had a rotten time at the movies with Greg on Saturday night. He's just not that in to you was a waste of money and the gummy bears that I snuck in to the theater were gross beyond words. The atmosphere at Panera bread after the movie was so not romantic and the hot chocolate and desserts we ordered were barely edible! Our first date night since my birthday sucked!!

I love snow! I love how cold and messy it is. I love how it makes drivers scared to drive. I love everything about snow! Except snow days...I HATE snow days! What a waste of time and money they are. I would rather be at work, stressing over lesson plans and evaluations. Snow days are the worst!

************************************************************************************

We sent out Erin's paper work for her early admission into RISD! Our big thick envelope should be in the mail any day now!



Here are some of her creations using the canvas of her choice (the shower wall) and her favorite artist tools (her washable tub crayons)

She named this masterpiece " Daddy, GaGi, Aun-d-Dee Dee"


Here's Poppa! You can tell it's him by his glasses and mustache!





I think it looks just like him!


************************************************************************************
Erin will eat ANYTHING if it is slathered in sour cream. I think on this day she was eating hot dogs!