** I apologize ahead of time for my many typos, misspelled words and run on sentences!
I will never be fixed.
Sure, I will take a pill once a day for the rest of my life but that doesn't mean that I am "cured" of this disease.
Hypothyroidism.
It's annoying beyond words and the past few months have been hell for me. I have been working with my doctor on trying to regulate my medication. The dose has been lowered time after time but my symptoms of an "normally" under active thyroid turned over active were lingering on and on (and on...)
I really wanted to write about it and share just what exactly was going on and why I hadn't really been "seen" for a while, but I couldn't do it, literally
couldn't! My memory had escaped me. I couldn't form a sentence let alone write one down. I would come to the computer every night and read all the familiar posts that friends, family and strangers had written. I had wanted to write so bad at times it was painful that I wasn't able too.
I wasn't able too do a lot of things I enjoy. I wasn't able to come home on a 1/2 day and take Erin to the playground or enjoy the outdoors. I wasn't able to keep my eyes open past 3:30 PM and for many weeks, Erin sat in front of the television on those 2, 1/2 days a week watching Noggin until I dragged my exhausted butt off the couch and scramble to make her dinner. She would bath on Sunday or Monday and not have another bath until Thursday because I just didn't have the energy.
My laundry somehow got washed, but they stayed unfolded in the basket, sometimes until it was full of week old dirty laundry again. I could care less about what I wore to work and am amazed that I never wore the same outfit twice in one week.
I felt like a caged animal. My doctor brought this to my attention. I told her at one visit when I was at my wits end that I felt like all my emotions were on the surface, raw and exposed. I felt like I was one wrong look from someone, anyone, away from going off the edge. She described it like being a caged animal and the person on the outside just dragging a stick back and forth along the cage. Then that person opens the cage!! Can you imagine?!! It's a HORRIBLE feeling. A horrible way to feel all day long for weeks on end and having to work with 4 and 5 year olds all day. Talk about lack of patience!
I was inchs from walking in to my boss' office and telling her that I was not cut out for the job and demand for her to demote me. It felt as if my classroom and the world around me was swallowing me whole and there was nothing I could do about it but just stand there and watch it happen. I was frozen.
Thankfully I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. He's not actually that patient in the midst of it all and really isn't much of a help at all when I am feeling down and low (nice Jen, nice!) But during times like those, the only one who can help me is my mom so there really isn't much he can do that can help. But once the meds have started to do their purpose, Greg is ALWAYS there to just jump back in with me.
And that is where I am at today. I have been on the new dose for about a week and a half. I was miserable and trying to schedule a consultation with a therapist one day and the next I was alert, alive and feeling much better. I know I am not exactly where I should be yet, but it's a welcome start. It's 9:30 PM and I am awake, showered, fed and content. My laundry is washed, folded and hung. Lunch for Erin has been made and her outfit for school tomorrow picked out. She has been bathed and her hair in elastics and out of here face. Greg is out playing basketball and I am not curled up on the couch in the fetal position waiting for him to come home.
I will enjoy this energy while it lasts because like all those other moments of clarity that happened back when I had been feeling well, they are fleeting. At the drop of a hat things could change and I could be back to the way I was before. I'm just going to take this all in and make up for lost time (and posts!)
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Our visit to Boston and drop off our Pennies for Patients donations:
Erin, Caroline and I
I walked these hallways with Erin everynight while we were in Boston passing other "heart moms" trying to get
their unconsolable child to sleep. It felt so good to be able to walk down that same hallway hand in hand with my healthy hero!
Our healthy family
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St. Patrick's Day
Picture day
random day
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Easter (my mom made the adorable dress!)
Pa's hat is more fun to wear than a bonnet!
We waved at the Easter bunny at Swansea mall for 3 straight Saturdays but never had our picture taken. Erin did however find these bunny ears on the ground in the parking lot on the way home!
**I hope I will be back soon!
